I Asked for Salmon, and I Got It!
This may not seem like a monumental thing. Many of us can ask for what we want for dinner without a second thought. But there is a large population of men and women who habitually say, "I don't know, you pick," even when they have a strong inclination, desire, or craving for one thing.
The biggest relationship question couples tackle every day—"What are we having for dinner?"—can actually be an example of a much bigger issue. When you continuously have no opinion, or default to "I don't care" and "I don't know," it creates more relational stress than you might think. This behavior is often a core indicator of people-pleasing tendencies and a struggle with identifying and voicing one’s boundaries, needs, and wants. Over time, this stress builds, and I see couples regularly having wars over the dreaded dinner question—closely followed by the second most awful relationship question, "What do you want to do?"
The Impact of Not Knowing or Not Having an Opinion
Resentment Builds Over Unmet Needs
When you consistently ignore your own desires, resentment quietly takes root. Unmet needs, especially over time, can become the greatest killer of intimacy and connection in a relationship.Indecision Causes More Stress Than Having a Different Opinion
Many people pleasers assume that avoiding conflict by deferring decisions will keep their partner happy. However, studies show that indecision actually increases stress. Your partner would rather negotiate between tacos and pasta than navigate the silent tension of "I don’t know, you pick."People Pleasing is a Form of Conflict Avoidance and Co-Dependency
At its core, constantly prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own is a sign of co-dependency. The underlying fear? That if your partner is disappointed, it will lead to personal failure, shame, or relationship turmoil. So, instead of voicing a preference, many people suppress their desires, pretending to enjoy whatever their partner chooses—at the cost of their own happiness.
Shifting Towards Healthy Expression
If this resonates with you, here are a few powerful shifts to consider:
Expressing my needs is actually a gift to my partner. It teaches them how to love and care for me in the best way possible.
Living authentically strengthens relationships. When I express my needs and wants, I increase my chances of getting them met—at least some of the time—making me a happier, more present, and caring partner.
Reducing resentment builds intimacy. There is nothing more disconnecting than suppressed resentment. Open communication leads to deeper connection.
Negotiation is a sign of a mature, healthy relationship. Learning how to balance both partners' desires creates a dynamic that fosters mutual respect and understanding.
So, the next time you find yourself about to say, "I don’t know, you pick," pause. Ask yourself what you truly want. And then, say it. It may seem small, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to cultivate a stronger, healthier relationship.
Because, guess what? I asked for salmon, and I got it!
Have you taken the assessment for couples yet? Check out SPARCS© here
xoxo,
Christie Bemis is a seasoned psychotherapist, sex educator, relationship coach, and author with over 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples unlock deeper connections and embrace their true potential. Known for her direct yet compassionate approach, Christie blends a vast knowledge base with a relatable style, making her a trusted expert in mental health, intimacy, and personal empowerment.
As a sought-after speaker and podcast guest, Christie shares her insights on topics ranging from relationships and sexual health to self-empowerment. She also hosts the Ignite Your Life with Christie Bemis podcast, where she connects with listeners across multiple platforms.
Christie is trained in the Somatica® Method for building intimacy and relationships and is a certified Level 1 provider of John Gottman's relationship work. Additionally, she is a Certified Sex Therapy Informed Practitioner and is currently advancing her training with Terry Real in Relational Life Therapy to become a certified practitioner.
In 2010, Christie founded Hot Pink YOUniversity to empower women to live lives filled with passion, purpose, and play. She continues to operate under this brand, offering transformative experiences for women. In 2018, she launched Bemis Psychotherapy and Consulting, where she works with women, men, and couples in all relationship configurations to reignite their passions and create more fulfilling lives. In addition, Christie is the Director of Professional Education and Outreach for Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women. Through this work, she focuses on expanding people’s understanding of sexological bodywork as a source for healing, expanding one’s understanding of their arousal and
You can explore her coaching services, book, wisdom cards, and other offerings at www.christiebemis.com.